My Spiritual Journey ~ Or Journey to Spirit

My greatest FEAR is "being sick and being alone".... and now I am that very thing - at least in the physical aspects of this life.  See:  Living with Silent Syndromes.  I have no one close to lean on, be co-dependent on, and from my terrifying childhood in regards to "unknown illnesses", having ALL the "real" illnesses possible and being told I would die at age 7 of a disease I didn't even have, I grew up in terror of being sick, and of no one to take care of me. I was in total terror when my Mother left me alone to go to her night school (my Dad was there but not really and that is a another story).... and my parents did not have ANY outward spiritual beliefs, and so there I was: no identity but a sick child, scared and alone....and lost.... but with clues to my spiritual path here and there...and that is where my story begins...

INTRODUCTION...why I am sharing this in public on my web site...

I really think that religions are all the same and that it is "semantics" ... God is the same as Higher Power. I BELIEVE that each soul is a "piece of God"...and that MY Higher Power is "my piece" IN my soul... my connection if you will. Pray is the same as meditate.... Heaven is the same as a "state of being" and maybe not "pearly gates" - unless one expects to find those when they "cross over"... that heaven is what each one expects....

I cannot believe that a loving GOD would turn away people raised as Jewish, Buddhist, Jehovah's Witnesses (had run ins with them in my journey!) and all the rest of the world's faiths ... the more important thing is the person's SOUL AND INNER SELF- if they are good and unconditionally loving people.

I believe that each person's spiritual journey is theirs alone, each path is different, and anyone that would preach/force their particular brand of beliefs on another is being at the very least unkind... it's so individual and it's a journey. I realize there are people who are lost that they would get into cults, or negative beliefs, and that is their path/lesson to find their way out of.... but that is another subject.

I have watched John Edward- Cross Country - (today's medium, a person who comes from love and from the God Spirit, and that I feel is not in any way contradictory to any religious beliefs) on the WE channel Saturday nights. I totally believe in what he does - connecting people with departed loved ones through his seminars, books... two of which I have read before my shoulders gave out:  - Crossing Over : The Stories Behind the Stories
by John Edward and One Last Time : A Psychic Medium Speaks to Those We Have Loved and Lost

I do believe our soul is ALL LOVE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE - because that is the part of God...the universal mind, the connecting threads.... it's all words... an again; semantics....

Life is hard for me because I do know we are still us when we pass out of this physical body. Because of my own irrefutable proof in my life, I KNOW we reincarnate and learn more...that is why it is even harder for me to want to stay here, in this sick body... What I need to do is get my own fears out of the way... because my prayers (meditations) ARE answered all the time, with utterly magical results that I can see very clearly...and I do have a foundation NOW... I just need to learn to step up into it and STAY THERE where it is safe, peaceful and I am guided ....

I have for so long let anything and everything distract me from my inner spirituality, So.... as best I can recollect each thing...I am going to tell my own personal spiritual journey. I will refer to books as I go....but again, it is MY journey, appropriate only for me. I share it as a way to remind and re-focus myself, because there were many years, over 20 years ago, when I was walking on my spiritual path, unafraid - before my life changed,  Distractions and confusions came into my consciousness, and finally my health taking a major turn for the worse, demanding all my focus...and I share this too, for those who are interested and might even get one little bit of information for their own journey.... or just simply know me better....

What is METAPHYSICS? Before I start my own spiritual "bio", here is where I "am at" in my outlook for now... I am not a "finished product" by any means and hope to still grow, evolve and so I can only speak from now and update as my experiences and belief's do.... and always keep in mind, these are ONLY  my OWN opinions! Books I have read along the way that influenced me are in bold yellow.

"Metaphysics" the very term only means "more than physics" or higher physics....and I think that science and religion DO go hand in hand, - that all the things that Jesus did (and I DO believe he did all that was written that he did, include rising up) WERE/ARE "metaphysical" ie: scientific realities... how about that!? In the same way I believe all the little miracles and blessings that a dear relative of my ex-husband's has gotten from Sai Baba are also the same "science".....India's great man Sai Baba is a spiritual man, an advanced man...not as advanced as Jesus, no....I don't think anyone was before or after Jesus was/is as advanced in THE knowledge.... and of course a Christian would say that is because he is the son of God. Here I will be very straightforward with you... I went through my life's journey from believing he is the son of God "in the biblical sense" to believing he is/was one of the most advanced human being on earth, at least as far as my limited study into other religions...and really, probably because even the Dali Lama just sits alone and he did not go out and change the world.... well as far as my own limited knowledge of those beliefs.

I feel that humans NEED religion to hang on to, to give life meaning, to belong to a group, to feel needed, to be able to give to others and in many ways some churches may be very good.... what turned me away was Man's twisted use of any and all religions, including Christianity - that ended up hurting other groups of people, taking away that other group's beliefs, forcing Christianity on them, stripping whole cultures away and even killing them, all in the name of god and Jesus... The utter brutality of HUMANS is crushing to my heart and finally turned me away from all forms of organized religions.

I had truly STUDIED the Christian bible in a group and I read a book that took all the archeological aspects of the bible and proved them with REAL HISTORY and for a while that was very exciting, because I thought, if all those things really happened, then all the things in the bible must be right, right?

Problem for me, is that MAN translated and translated and translated it....and began to use this new religion for their own use.... I remember when I was becoming unhappy with my church, even with a minister I liked, I felt that the small bible study group was more a REAL "church" ...because there was no agenda, just people studying, questioning freely, discussing, learning...and it felt right. Why I even left off THAT was when the deeper questions I had, got no answers from my minister or the bible... questions that eventually did give me real answers when I turned my questing toward "metaphysics".... That is when I found (I believe firmly that books find their way into our hands as they are needed on our journey, at the right time and there is no such thing as a coincidence.) a book called LIFE AFTER LIFE by a medical doctor: Life after Life The Investigation of a Phenomenon--Survival of Bodily Death by Raymond A. Moody... that totally took away my utter FEAR OF DEATH that had haunted me all my life...the age old question "Is this all there is" and if it is, then life/death means nothing and is just too scary...

The second book that came into my hands via a positive thinking class given by my local small town (religious based, I think it was Presbyterian) hospital was:  THE POWER OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND by Joseph Murphy. This book about the "little man with a file cabinet in the back of your mind with all the answers you need" ...and a meditation from it, that I still use today, changed my life and journey profoundly.

It is important to note that in every book there are parts TO DISCARD... that you must read with a skeptical mind and only take away the parts that FEEL RIGHT FOR YOU and discard the rest. No one man has all the answers. I will note other books as I tell my story in chronological order...

My Beginnings (I have also put in yellow the first few words of specific experiences that influenced the direction of my journey)

On the whole my childhood was rather a black hole of illness, fears, and struggle to go to school. My Mother's Mother (who used to baby-sit me often) believed in everything from UFOs, to meeting Jesus in person, to having psychic readings, oh and she talked to her animals including "Freddy the fly" that walked around her walls.  I remember sneaking to the doorway of her living room, after I was put to bed, to watch in fascination the TV show my Grandma watched religiously - Oral Roberts [from Wikipedia Granville Oral Roberts (born January 24, 1918) is an American neo-Pentecostal televangelist. He is also a leader in the charismatic movement and a former faith healer] that "healed" people in very dramatic ways...I was not sure what to think of this scary man who placed his hands on people and yelled loudly and they would fall of course when my Grandmother tried to heal ME of my tummy ache by laying her hands on me and praying like Oral did, I was so scared I pretended my tummy got better just to please her!

My Mom admitted to me later in life that when she married my Catholic raised Father, she "crossed her fingers behind her back" during the ceremony where she had to say she would raise her children Catholic. In fact the only memory of church I have is being dressed up as a tiny tot in a fancy dress, gloves and a little hat for Easter services at a Presbyterian church. We may have gone once for a Christmas eve service too but mostly we did not go to church at all.  My Father was not one for any church, having been raised by a rather strict "children should be seen and not heard" Catholic Mother who felt herself "royalty" for some reason. My Father retreated behind a newspaper or book most of my life, inaccessible. My Mother seemed to have a basic faith all the time in general because I remember her telling me "if it were not for my faith, I would not have made it through your childhood troubles." (oh joy for a kid to hear!) Mom did not believe in forcing anyone to go to church, and it is only now, in her later years that she enjoys going each Sunday.

So all in all, I had a lot of fears, and no structure, no solid beliefs of any kind.

My first real memory of something spiritual or "extra sensory" was when I was in High School. I was very close to one girlfriend, and one day as we both left school to walk home on the opposite sides of the large school, I HEARD her YELL "Lyne!"....I looked around and behind me (I was walking all alone across an empty field to my home, all by myself) and could not see her. It was definitely her distinct voice and I was a bit freaked out. I hurried home and called her as fast as I could...I hardly got out what I heard when she screamed on the other end of the phone, and told me that she had witnessed the boy I had a crush on at the time, barely escape a major car accident and had thought or yelled IN HER MIND: "Lyne!"  At that point we became a bit hysterical as teenage girls will do, but there was no denying that we had a major "mental telepathy" experience. I held on to that single incident like a life preserver for years as my only proof that there was "more to life than just a physical body". I think over my younger years I may have had 2-3 more striking experiences but so much time in between each incident, and no one to talk to about it, I felt very unsure... Talk to my "kooky grandmother"? No, she was a bit too strange for me to feel comfortable with and my Mother let me know she felt her Mother was crazy. My Mother? Hardly. She would not listen to anything that sounded like HER Mother's "stuff".  My mother is a very down to earth, practical no nonsense type. I did not have anyone or any way of finding out what this was or how to make it happen again. It in some ways made me feel more lost and I just held on to my tiny rays of confused hope.

Skipping past my awkward, uncomfortable (with all my health issues, and resulting emotional issues) school years, I ended up marrying my second boyfriend when I was 18 years old. My first husband was introduced to me by my first boyfriend, if you could call him that- he only wanted one thing and when he didn't get it, he handed me off, literally, to his friend who was to become my first husband, at a college dance! While I was dating my first husband, Bill, he let me know he had a solid Christian foundation, being raised by his Grandmother who made sure the boys went to church....a sweet loving woman who baked a lot....that is important, remember that for later - that she loved to bake cookies and great meals.

Bill had a repaired heart, (he was actually the first person to get a pig's heart valve by the then famous heart surgeon!) but enlisted in the Marines with a note from his surgeon, in order to prove to himself that he was healthy I guess... and it was before he went off to Boot Camp that I had my first really profound spiritual experience.

One quiet night, after my parents had gone to bed, Bill and I were sitting quietly on the couch in the living room. He had an unusual expression on his face, rather peaceful and almost glowing (I would say later in life I was probably seeing his aura).... and I asked him "What are you thinking?".  He said "I was praying that you would know God so you would have some support when I go off to the Marines."  THE SECOND he said this, the entire room (a very very large living/family room of expanse, with a dining area and kitchen continuing right across the "room" area) was FILLED with such an ENERGY that it was almost one could reach out and feel it, take a handful of it...and I jumped up from my place sitting on the floor at his feet and began to cry my eyes out, I mean REALLY bawling my head I walked THROUGH this "energy" and felt it, soaked in it and named it "God". I cannot describe in mere words how utterly tangible this HUGE, VAST energy, how powerful, how loving, how real it was. It was that night in my life I came to believe in "God" - in the rather conventional way of "the man in the sky, Christian based idea. *I know now, from all my accumulated personal experience, that for ME this energy was/is ME- MY SOUL - the very essence of the whole Higher Consciousness, Higher Self, the sum of all that I am with this truly unconditional loving, creative, positive center of ME. But it took YEARS of more experiences to reach that realization/epiphany.... But at least I had the "base" - the foundation.... Yet after that night I still only had a bible from Bill and did not quite understand, but did my best to see "God" as my FATHER - something that was sorely missing in my life with my "non interactive father"....

In short, Bill went to boot camp, made his heart murmur worse with the rigorous Marine training and they booted him out (of course not taking any responsibility for causing it to be worse and nearly killing him) The core just handed him is medical discharge and that was that...saved from Viet Nam.  So he was gone really only for the weeks it took for boot camp, graduation and some part of additional harder training. We had planned to get married after he got home "from the war" ... so at this point we got our parents permission (me being only 18) and we had a beautiful traditional wedding that remains a bit of a blur... We did not go to church, and while he fought his demons from boot camp (it was pretty harsh back then I guess) and worked to find his career (becoming an accountant)... we followed the "usual path" and finally moved from our apartment out to Simi Valley and into our own house.

I see UFO'S....NOT REALLY... ;)

During the time before my son's birth, while we lived in an apartment, I was still searching for the meaning of my life, and got a hold of a book called Chariots of the Gods by Erich Von Daniken, Michael Heron (Translated) that I read avidly and scared myself half to death with... it seemed to prove what I just could not accept at the time, but taught me one really good lesson then.... WITH ANY BOOK, TAKE WHAT YOU FEEL IS RIGHT, AND LEAVE THE REST....  Currently I cannot believe we are alone, period...and as I watch the NASA channel and how we are looking through telescopes that are way out beyond our atmosphere, to solar systems that are so like our own... weeelll... !?  No I never saw a UFO...but some people I respect did... Anyway... back to spirituality...

Finally I found my way to the books that were more about metaphysics than UFO's. I  remember reading a few of the EARLY books by Ruth Shick Montgomery (like HERE AND HEREAFTER)  before she seemed to go off the deep end...and I also read all the early books by the (to me) an even more believable psychic - Edgar Cayce. His books were the BEST!  I read his biography and other books and literally watched how he fought the fears of his conventional southern Christian upbringing that made him feel this abilities and inner knowledge were that of the "devil".... a man who really gave so much knowledge, enlightenment and help to people around him....there are collections and individual books by this man and his biography, so I won't list them out, but I really believe he was the ONE true medium/psychic of his time.  

Around 1974 we found a house of our own in the bedroom community of Simi Valley.  I was pretty scared of life, trying hard to "pray" and handle a son with a birth defect and an huge anger within his little soul...(I think even then he blamed me for this birth defect, and I sure blamed myself) I would try to "talk to God" but life was emotionally hard for me.... I kept my fears and immaturity deep inside - making myself a MOTHER only, not a person. I tried to "be" just to care for my son. (in a not so healthy way coming from my terribly damaged childhood - I did not hit him, more like yelled way too much or went in my room, closed the door and did art work because I did not know what else to do... (Thank Goodness my son has now forgiven me, and he is one of the best things of my life, I could not BE more proud of the man, husband and Father he has become!!!)....

My Experiences with Organized Religions, starting with Christianity

Anyway, at this time Bill and I joined the local Presbyterian church...and as with all things, when I get into something I jump in with both feet, learning like crazy, went to bible study (didn't hurt the minister was CUTE and liked his "all woman bible study", and seemed at the time to be very open minded and almost spiritual... Ultimately he was the one that failed me utterly and one main reason I left organized religion).... But BIBLE STUDY - especially reading a book on Bible Archeology became very fascinating to me because I was so starved for spiritual answers!  I do believe the bible (King James) was very accurate in archeology, and probably pretty accurate as far as the history of cultures and the life of the man Jesus... I was sooo in need that I began to TALK TO GOD THE FATHER OR JESUS IN MY HEAD as I stood at the kitchen sink with my hands in the soothing warm soapy water, washing dishes, as I was looking out of the kitchen window at the trees and birds... and enjoying the quiet (my son was in kindergarten) I felt I heard the words, heard the replies, the guidance in my head....while at the same time there were still so many blanks... I know NOW I was speaking to my Higher Power, my super conscious if you will...talking to myself but not quite able to make a real connection or hold onto it well.

It was at this time the Jehovah's Witnesses came knocking at my door... and THAT was the next very enlightening time for me. Here was another slant on this thing called Christianity.... and fortunately my neighbor knew her bible backwards and forwards and showed me -and them, the one time I let them into my home, with her there with me. She showed them, and me, in her bible right there - how they left things out, by just not reading the next paragraph (sorry forgot what you call those "sections" of the bible).... AND I SAY NOW, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST ANY ONE PRACTICING IN THE Jehovah's Witness faith....I truly feel that each person has their own journey and lessons to learn, their own path... it's just that for me, I crossed paths with their beliefs to have the experience of how man can make the bible (or any book of faith) SAY what they want it to, for their own ends. I had the same experience with meeting some of my own cousins that are strict Mormons - who spoke at my Grandfather's funeral... Actually with THEM - I got another nugget of my own beliefs!! THAT OUR BODY WAS "BUT A GLOVE AND OUR SPIRIT LEAVES THIS GLOVE AND CONTINUES ON." I knew this was true in my heart and held onto this. This was long before I had read the books I listed above too.  It was during that time that I was so avidly going to Sunday services and to my Bible Study that I became a "deacon" in the church along with my husband... I even read a book on "Religions of the World" and felt I could see that there are nuggets of truth in all faiths, but the only (IN MY OWN OPINION) real truth for each person is from INSIDE THEMSELVES... what feels right and true, not someone telling them what to believe.

Then it all went a meeting of my bible study..... The guest speaker from the Sunday before had come to talk about the importance of HUGS.... and at my Bible Study this fateful day, my minister HUGGED ME in the kitchen when I went in there to get some tea or coffee.... that sent a red flag up ... because while yes, I enjoyed the attention... *sigh*.... it was NOT a friend to friend casual hug!!  I hardly knew how to feel about it, but knew it was just WRONG.  And then IN Bible study, when this man I admired so much could not even answer the questions I kept asking.  I was sure that a minister should know these important things, like: WHY ARE PRAYERS NOT ANSWERED?  He literally had no reply that I remember or if he did, it was ambiguous.  I began to feel very uncertain about this "faith".    NOTE: I did find my own answer to this question later in my journey....

Church, Telepathy and Life After Death

At that time, I had gotten a hold of a book called LIFE AFTER LIFE (REFERRED TO ABOVE) after seeing a little segment on the TV news about "near death experiences".  I was so excited to read that book and I eagerly loaned it to my minister... WHO FOR SOME REASON IN A MONTH OR TWO MONTHS TIME NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO READ THIS BOOK (a small paper back) he returned it to me... I was then - at that moment in time, standing in the church parking lot, totally disillusioned that this most studied man was NOT spiritual....When another  woman came up to me and said "I just can't get over the loss of my husband, could I borrow that book?"....and I gave it to her gladly... She read it fast and retuned it to me BEAMING with relief and joy that she could then move on with her life, her SPIRITS LIFTED..... and I thought: How could I AND THE BOOK I HAD, DO WHAT THE MINISTER SHE HAD BEEN TALKING TO ALL THIS TIME, NOT DO?!?

I will relate one more thing before I left the church and organized religion behind for good... in all the years between my first real telepathic experience, I had had a few more - with a close girlfriend or two, so I had remarked to one lady after bible study "What is so scary or "evil" about mental telepathy? How do you think you talk to God when you pray in your mind? How would he hear you?"  It seemed rather logical to me, and she went away with a whole new outlook afterwards.... I wish I did remember more specific instances of my telepathy but I don't now....and they still were not very own fears and emotional scars were a BLOCK between being able to HEAR messages or get information from my Higher Self.

I see dead people....well, sort of...

But one thing did come from my fear.  I had a bit too much focus on DEATH, during all those years... by the time I was married with a small child in the early 1970's, I discovered sort of accidentally that I could SEE where and how people who had just died were.... I mean, when my husband's brother died. I "saw" him "over there".... it was just like a sudden "knowing" or seeing a picture in my mind...And that day, what I had seen, turned out to be reality. I "saw" my brother in law curled up in the fetal position, in his underwear, WAY BEFORE I learned that this was the way he was found.  He had sadly committed suicide... (This happened way back in the days of NO hope when you got aids...) So I came to believe what I was seeing/feeling of some of my friends and relatives who had passed, was true. What I did was NOTHING  like "Medium" or John Edward... just a little flash of 'knowing'.

GIFTS OF SMELLS FROM OUR LOVED ONES....and my first husband becoming an Angel to watch over our son...

Later when my husband's Grandmother (the one who raised him- the one I mentioned up above and said remember that!?) passed....and he was laying next to me in bed late one night...when our bedroom (at the opposite end of the house from our kitchen, plus I do NOT cook/bake well at all!!) FILLED THE MASTER BEDROOM UP WITH THE SMELL OF FRESH-BAKED COOKIES!!! WE BOTH SMELLED IT AND REACTED AT THE SAME TIME.... Poor Bill, being of such strict conventional Christianity rather freaked out, while I was filled with joy, saying IT'S HER!! SHE CAME TO SAY GOODBYE TO YOU!!! THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!  The smell faded and I was so sad that he just could not accept it....but I was thrilled at the REALITY of this phenomena because I know odors are one of the basic ways of how our loved ones can contact us.... In fact when Bill himself got sick and died (many years later after we had sadly divorced and had been apart a long long time).... and my son called me to tell me late one night.... I sat right down in my quiet empty house (my current husband was not home at the time) and I just said over and over and over: BILL I TOLD YOU SO, I TOLD YOU SO ....THAT YOU WOULD STILL BE YOU... I TOLD YOU SO!!! I was like a grinning fool.... (I shed my tears too, but almost more for myself than him) because by this time with my own very STRONG belief that we go on after death, I could not morn or grieve for someone who had come to the end of his rope in this physical life (that is another story, not mine)....that he was in a better place....and HIS health problems were gone and best of all he found he could be my son's Guardian Angel.... (now that is also another story!!- of the many times we just KNEW my son and his family were saved by both my son's intuition and his Father's help!).... Another thrilling contact "from the other side" from my first husband, was MY SON AND HIS WIFE, INDEPENDENTLY SMELLED HIS DAD'S PIPE TOBACCO WHILE OUTDOORS - TWICE!....and also FELT Bill's BIG SMILE of his big gently loving self....and other "signs".... So there it was again, COMMUNICATION with those PASSED OVER.... !  Each time I rejoice in my experiences as it is a constant reminder that there IS LIFE AFTER LIFE and we do go on... and THEREFORE THERE IS A REASON FOR LIVING!  I could not continue on with this life if I did not feel strongly that there is a REASON FOR OUR LIVES... Life can be so hard much of the time...

My Recurring Dream, and the Beginning of finding my Deeper Path...Past, Present & Future: Reincarnation

[A book that had great influence on my inner growth: Creative Dreaming 2nd edition by Patricia Garfield, PH.D.]

My Recurring Dream...

When I was young I was plagued by nightmares. Of course growing up in the 60s was a period of time when much of humanity was plagued by the fear of an atom bomb falling on them… But my recurring nightmare of war was different, in a very odd way.
As far back as I can remember during times of extreme stress I would have a nightmare of being killed by bombs in a war. The dream was identical in every way, each time I dreamt it. I became aware of myself standing in a very high stone archway trying to seek protection from the falling bombs. I could see the bombs quite clearly. They were rather small, long oval in shape and had
fins on one end. I was also aware of myself- that I seem to be female- dressed in a rather thin white short smock like thing. I was terrified out of my mind, knowing I was going to die. I was aware that the buildings around me were devastated. These long walls of arches were very high, but there was just dirt outside and inside. At one point as my fear increased there seems to be another little girl that I was trying to help shelter. But I know now that was just another part of me manifesting in my dream, because I was trying to take care of myself. Ultimately a bomb fell directly on me and at that point I would wake up in utter terror. I would lay there wondering how I could dream that when living in a time when most terrifying visions of bombs were made up of those mushroom clouds like I had seen on the television news.

Over the course of many years, I continued to have this exact same dream. I don't remember the year when I finally saw a photo of the exact place that I died. It was in my mother's new photo album from her trip to Asia. I do know I was already living in Simi Valley as a young mother. Each time my mother would take a vacation, she would assemble her photos from that trip in a special album to share with everyone. I distinctly remember going to her office one day and sitting in a chair next to her desk and leafing through the album pages. When I got to the page with a photograph of the very same arches from my dream, I stared at it in shock. I suddenly felt dizzy-like I was falling a great way through time and it scared the living daylights out of me. I slammed the album shut! After a few moments I steadied myself and endeavored to open the album back up and look harder at that photograph. In a stumbling way I tried to explain to my mother (someone who in no way shape or form would understand or believe what I was trying to explain) that that was the photo from my recurring dream. I did ask her for an enlargement of that very same photograph and to my surprise she did comply. Anyway, at the time I continued to look through the next pages of her album. When I came to a photograph of the big guns still there on that island, I instantaneously could hear what they sounded like when in use, and that was a shock as well.

When I got that enlarged photograph from her I sat down in my own home one day, meditating to put a lot of white light of protection around myself. I really looked hard at the photograph to try to understand my reaction. I had also learned that this photograph was taken on an island in the Philippines named Corregidor and that there were no females on that war-torn island. I tried to learn as much as I could about the history of the area.  I watched history shows on television of actual films of the war action going on at that time. I instantly recognized the uniforms of the Japanese military with their distinctive caps which had ear flaps hanging down each side. By doing all this research I was able to deduce the year I died from that life was about 1944. (I was born here in 1949).  I understood later that this was an extremely short recycling time for souls.

At this time in my life I had become friends with a young woman my age who was farther along her path of metaphysical studies. She sat in a new housing development model home every day as her job. That is, she was there to give people brochures, talk to them about housing prices in that development, and send them out the other door to the models. So in essence in between those occurrences she and I had a lot of time to sit and talk to one another. We had been talking about astrology and numerology, of ghosts in dreams, etc. for a while now. When I told her about my reaction to the photograph her reaction was "well of course that was your life before this one!" She was so matter-of-fact about it and seemed to be wondering why I wasn't. But at that time in my life the idea that reincarnation was real was a tremendous shock. It was like my mind was trying to expand faster than I could handle. I did began to hunt for books written by people who had similar experiences to mine in one way or other. I remember reading one book about a young woman who traveled to a small town very far from where she had grown up and was disturbed by a the incredible amount of "déjà vu" that she was experiencing in her very first visit to this town. She began to do the research and found evidence of her own previous life there.

All of these things combined with my own amazing experience was certainly the next stepping stone of my own personal spiritual journey. I never expect anyone else to believe in reincarnation, but it is my own personal reality that has created my own truths in this area. 

At least I never had that dream again! I understood, deep inside myself, that I had finally put my previous life "to rest". I had put that experience in it's place, and I could move forward, fully engaged with THIS current life!

Note: because so many years have passed since I started writing this I feel I need to just get the highlights of my spiritual journey down in print at this point. I am 66 years old, and as I approach the inconceivable reality of being 70, and even 80 years old, I'm beginning to face the reality that this lifetime is almost finished. So while my mind is still sharp I am very determined to share my story. What will follow from this point are bits and pieces that are probably not in chronological order, but I will do my best.

The Power of White Light…

It was a few years after I got my first horse… Let's see… I remember at this point I had my Arabian mare that I would go care for and go riding daily. At this time my son was in high school. It was also during this time my best friend Pam would bring her youngest child, Paul, to ride around on my gentle mare. Pam could see that life was very difficult for me emotionally, and that I was often sad in spite of being able to be around horses every day. It was at this time in life, that my husband (who had always been a workaholic-therefore absent from home life a lot) was also taking business trips and would be gone for months at a time, so I was left on my own to care for my son. The constant recurring theme of my life: abandonment.

Anyway, Pam had taken a class given through a local hospital, about how to be happier and more relaxed in life. This class was based on the book that I mentioned above (The Power of Your Subconscious Mind). She told me that she would repeat the class if I would just come with her. It took her some time to talk me into it, but I finally went. Going to that class and especially having this book come into my life was a critical turning point for me. It not only taught me about the power of my subconscious mind, but also my super conscious mind (to me that is be my soul, or my higher self) but gave me a basis for my meditation and beliefs for the rest of my life. I still often repeat this meditation:

I bring white light into my body, asking for strength, guidance, and protection. While saying these words I would stand with hands slightly turned open palm, close my eyes, and breathe in slowly a long deep breath, while repeating those words. I repeat this three times because for some reason repeating it opens me up to my Higher Self. I draw the energy of my soul  back down into my physical body, through all of my chakras…

(I learned about chakras by reading another book, of which I cannot remember the title-but I do remember the colors. I used to cleanse my body and all my chakras by visualizing the colors of the chakra energy coming into each point-but that's another story)…

And then I when I feel connected to my higher self, I ask for what I need- all by visualizing white light around any person or situation that needs help or attention. I often visualize white light of protection around those I care about, any means of transportation they are using, or any situation needing extra help.

I think at this point it's important to say that I had begun to realize that "God" for me, is the very essence and energy of my soul. All of the love and the care, the protection and the guidance, the information I needed at any given time in my life has always been provided to me by my soul. While my soul surrounds me and I am of my soul, I adopted the name: Higher Self. This name for me expresses the higher energy of my complete soul which contains all I have ever been, all that I am, and all that I will be. There were many situations in life that reinforced this direction of my belief system but right now I want to share about how I began to understand this powerful energy that I can generate and use in my physical life that I call White Light.

The story of saving baby chicks from wild feral cats!

It was during my time of owning horses, that I spent a great deal of time down at the place where I was boarding them. It was a rather wild area bordering on a wash or streambed that ran through the bedroom community of Simi Valley. I boarded my mare in a small pipe stall at this location. There were several pipe stalls, surrounding a sandy arena, with a rustic rough tack shed at one side. Behind the tack shed (a rather long shed with many doors that could be padlocked) the grassy weedy ground sloped up to the main house-where the owners of this area lived.  So while the houses were on higher ground, below each house was a strip of sandy dry land with the streambed backing it. Most of the homeowners did not do much with their extra "backyard" so there were a lot of open spaces where grassy weeds grew wild. In this area there were many feral cats-large fierce tomcats and several female cats. The owners of the home where I boarded also had a few chickens in pens for fresh eggs for their family. Some of these chickens had gotten out of the pens over the years, and then became wild. There were two or three hens and a rooster that lived behind the Tack shed. These chickens being full-grown had nothing to fear from the feral cats. But it was their baby chicks that were always being killed by the hungry cats.

Now at this time I had finished reading the book-The Power of your Subconscious Mind-and was beginning to adopt the meditation and the idea of protective white light in my life. I will admit that I still am the type of person that needs to have something proven to me, before I will believe it, and often even then I still have a hard time believing something and need it proved over and over and over. Also it was during this time that I had become close friends with another horse owner named Marie. She and I enjoyed many conversations about psychic things. She shared with me about how she trained her Arabian stallion with "thought communications", and she would prove it to me by showing me how she did that during her training. Because we both respected and loved horses so much, we both knew our horses were highly intelligent. I do believe that her Arabian stallion was exceptionally intelligent and open to Marie's silent thought instructions while she had him on the lunge line.

At any rate because Marie especially loved birds too, she tended to make pets of the wild chickens. Between the two of us we got the idea to do an experiment of protecting the tiny baby chicks from the feral cats. We wanted to prove to ourselves that white light energy used for protection is valid. So we agreed to visualize in our minds that the baby chicks were surrounded by our white light of protection every day. Now keep in mind that when each batch of baby chicks were born, or rather hatched, that they were almost immediately killed and eaten by all the feral cats, never making it to adulthood. So with a new batch of baby chicks, Marie and I went to work meditating every single day, visualizing those babies being protected with white light. Each day we would arrive in the morning to feed our horses and we would look around for the baby chicks. When we saw them alive and well we were thrilled! We did this for several days with absolute success. Then came the day when coincidentally both Marie and I were dealing with something else in life that distracted us, and caused us to forget our white light protection meditation. The next morning when we came to feed the horses, one or two baby chicks were gone. (And yes we kept count from the time they were born) We felt terrible and responsible for the loss of the baby chicks life, and with great determination went back to our daily use of protective white light around them. At the end of a few weeks we had both been able to see the baby chicks grow up into full-size chickens, who were able to protect themselves from the feral cats. We repeated this experiment with several more broods of chickens off and on during our time boarding horses.

We both also began using white light around other things. When my mare gave birth to a foal I put white light around her and her new foal, every day.  One day when I was in a very very bad mood I neglected to use my white light around my baby. As I was walking her up the hill on a lead line she stepped on a long roofing nail. It went straight up into her tiny hoof to my utter horror. We were able to remove it and immediately called the vet. It was a very dangerous time because in spite of the vet giving her a tetanus shot and antibiotics, the vet warned me that this was life-threatening in more ways than one. Of course I went to work with a lot of heavy meditation for my foal's recovery. She had to have her hoof well wrapped for a long time. Finally there came a day when the vet unwrapped her foot, and declared it healed. I truly felt that it was my fault for falling down on the job of using my white light of protection in this area that was so fraught with dangers.

I continued from that time in my life to believe in, and use white light in many many ways. Yes life was still difficult, and is still very difficult, and yes bad things can happen. But for me I still cling to the belief that I have a bit of control of the elements in my life by consciously using white light. I truly believe that "what we think-is" or to put it another way "what we believe-becomes".



Note to self: share about how I feel that we as human beings generate this higher energy to sustain our soul… Just one of the many reasons that we become physical beings.

Note to self: Add other self-regression life stories here

late 1880's life in the western usa (done two ways...first on my own, then that life became clearer when I worked with a therapist who was willing to
take me into a regression, going back, back back...that was interesting in that I saw/was an infant TIGHTLY curled up, which my Mother later confirmed that I was so "uptight" even as a tiny baby, she could hardly unbend my legs to change my diapers!)

Mongolian life as heavy woman in the back of a two wheeled cart on a grassy open plain "snippet - flash".

Asian life as the care taking woman of MANY little children in some sort of school or institution... a very HAPPY life.

My life 'resting' in the body of a wild mustang roaming wild in the high desert areas of Southern California... there were several clues to the reality of that life, that came during my waking, active life at that time too.  I believe that we can just "take a break" from human lives, by taking up residence in the body of an animal... a horse, cat or dog being the most common choices.  My equine life was a short life... but one I just knew to be true... I didn't meditate to recall this life, it was more the clues I picked up on by being super aware of myself and my reactions around my own horses in this life... Some of my clues or indications were:  When out trail riding, we would stop and listen and look around... BOTH my horse and I would do the SAME thing... widen our nostrils, taking in scents and if my own human ears could have "prick forward alertly" they would have. I would just FEEL more like a horse on alert than a human being, until I sort of "caught myself at it"... and then would sit thinking about how interesting it was.  I also KNEW the taste of succulent sweet GRASS... all my life... Keep in mind, I AM a germ-a-phobe, but I'd put a piece of grass in my mouth and chew on it (fresh green grass) and even more shocking.... When cleaning out my mare's small metal water bowl OF ALGAE AND DIRT, right after I scrubbed it as clean as I could with a vegetable brush, and "rinse" it with clean water, I'd think nothing of sticking my own nose in her water dish and sucking the water up deeply... Very refreshing! This was just so NOT something I'd normally do, not when even going to a public restroom and touching a door knob would send me into a period of absolute terror!  But the final "cap" on this story- the incident that made that life as a horse a certainty, was when I went to the High Desert one day.  My then husband and I had driven way out in the desert, looking for wild flowers... We stopped by the roadside for a break. I got out, and just as he was trying to tell me to Watch out for rattle snakes!  I started to bound off and RUN through the dunes in sheer delight!  (again NOT something I'd ordinarily do, not being athletic and also being fearful of cactus spines, snakes, etc... but I sucked in the warm air (grew up loving warmer climes) and so FELT I was a horse and "saw" myself running with the sheer joy of equine freedom!

Note: my efforts to have an OTB (out of body experience)


My PRE- Earth History
This section is more like watching "Ancient Aliens" on TV... it's pretty far "out of the box" but for me, it's a reality proven out by my OWN
research, going "back" to who I was at the start of my lives here on this planet... I'll add the actual recounting of THAT incident where I,
on my own, regressed to that life and found myself in an alien body...pretty startling and scary, but educational for me!!

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