I'm So Scared....Still... !
(my saga of a scary dentistry time in my life)
My first trip to a dentist in more than 15 years,
And I am much more terrified than I will appear,
I have to just "bull my way through" all of my fears,
Still inside I'm ready to throw up, and close to tears.
At least she's a lady dentist, so that will help, I think,
Because in general from all men I do tend to shrink,
Still, I've no idea what the outcome of this exam will be,
I don't know the state my broken tooth is in, what she'll see.
Now here it is the long night before and my alarm is all set,
But, gawd, I DON'T want to go out the door in the am, I KNOW I'll fret,
Still all plans are set in place, and I have the best help I can get,
So I will do the best I can, try not to be so fearful and upset.
Please, Higher Self make this the best dentist I've ever known!
That when I'm safe at home, it will be good news in this poem...
************** time passes****************
Well I came home from there and my world fell apart,
My anxiety rose up, and fear squeezed my heart,
The lady dentist had such a rotten "bedside manner",
Delivering the worst news, I could only cringe and stammer.
My mind closed down, trying to shut out the shock,
Time seemed to stop, despite the moving hands of the clock,
She gave no options, just said I had to do things I could not,
So my anxiety deepened, and my gut tightened up in a knot.
All night I fought this battle, yet saw multiple sessions of drilling,
While forced to lay on a chair that would send muscles clenching,
Utter torture, with no real solutions, as she promised my teeth
Would continue to deteriorate and I'd never again feel peace.
Fear overwhelming, thoughts so dark, sinking further into myself,
I wanted to leave this world, stop worrying about my damn health,
As my body began expressing my terror, I couldn't stop vomiting,
Realizing I was in serious trouble, thought about who I should be calling.
I picked up my phone, reaching out to my son and his sweet wife,
Praying they could help me, take the long journey to save my life,
Determined to hang on, avoid a nasty ambulance ride with strangers,
I waited through the late hours, hoping to avoid even more dangers.
Billy and Wendy arrived much to my relief, we gathered my belongings
Trundling me out to the back seat of my jeep, his skill with GPS helping,
We found our way to the local Encinitas Scripps ER, wheeled me in,
Barf tub on my lap, with my son taking care of checking me
Where despite my condition I noticed the clean calm quite surroundings,
in a relatively short time a lady came up to us, calmly announcing,
Let's get her in a room, we will make her as comfortable, as we can,
Next came a very nice calm charge nurse reassuring help is at hand,
The beds were comfy, blankets so warm, I curled on side, as they took
I liked the clean enclosed private room, heard my son asking for small
As my old veins are so flat...but this wonderful Charge Nurse was so good,
Painlessly drew several vials of blood, started liquids up quick as she
The calm attentive doctor came in, took more details to make his decision.
And said lets get you started on Ativan, saying with my butterfly, it's
So in it went with the much needed liquids, and within minutes my body
And as my tummy cramps let go, I felt a calm relief bringing sleep at long
I only woke with the alarm on the bag that would soon be empty,
So the nurse returned, added one more bag so I would have plenty.
My son and daughter said they saw the change in me right away,
The doctor returned with a prescription for thirty to keep my anxiety at
He said contact your doctor tell him to ask for the records of my stay,
And said, I think we can send you home now, with no worry about pay.
They'd submit to my Medicare, I'd get a bill later for the balance due,
Still it's the wonderful gentle care I'd received, feeling I could face
The bonus of my crisis was reconnecting with my son and daughter in law,
Realizing I DO have a family I can count on like a strand of magical gold
Plus with a new suggestion given to me by Daryl and my son, to solve my
They offered: with all teeth out in one trip, replaced by dentures,
removes future tears!
Now I have a "consult" appointment with an oral surgeon...
Trying so hard to keep my "live in the present, stay calm" on,
But it's a very big deal to me, as I've had bad experiences so far,
With most medical doctors and dentists too, all leaving a scar,
But trusting my sources, I chose a surgeon and my kids will take me,
It is only the first step, just to talk about my situation, so we'll
After meeting the kind, caring oral surgeon, and even laughing a lot,
I knew, despite my fears, this was the best situation I had sought.
So, now I've an appointment on the twenty second of September,
And I know I'll be asleep for the terrible things, I won't remember.
He'll take every tooth, sand down bones, put a stitch in each one,
But then it is after I wake up, that the real torture I fear will come.
It's not easy to accept this bit of hell, knowing I'll have more pain than
With "FM" my body reacts with "FM flu", with antibiotics, IBS will run me
My week of healing will be fraught with struggle as I manage it's
So I am finding it hard to be brave, while planning for all kinds of
Sadly with the surgeon's difficulty scheduling I have too much time to
On the reality of my body and me, and the fact I'll end up going through
All I can do is manage one day at a time, yet my body will sneak up on me,
Tricking me with phantom fears; memories of the past taking me out of
I'm okay for a few days then the anxiety wells right back up,
Then I have a rough time of it, and for a short time I'm stuck,
I get shaky and tense, and my heart goes thump thump thump,
Yet, with my innate resilience, I find my way through each speed bump.
Fear still runs through the river of my life from childhood,
Created when I was seven, it rooted me where I stood,
Permanently flowing through all the years that I live,
Causing my courage to drain away as though through a sieve.
My mother and "grandma doctor" planted a terrible seed,
Telling me because I had leukemia, I'd better take heed,
Saying I had to leave school, or I'd catch a cold or flu and die,
Causing terror to flood into my young mind, I was unable to cry.
This fear has become part of my DNA; it is ingrained in me,
Now anything medical creates waves of fear, like PTSD,
So no matter how "safe" I should feel, it permeates what I see.
This causes a constant battle, creating unbearable anxiety.
This fear has come up in spades because of what I must do,
I have to have surgery, 'cause every tooth has a cavity, or even two!
What it is to be "put under", get all my teeth removed, I haven't a clue.
But I went to the surgeon, survived horrid recovery, I made it through.
even having an EKG was terrifying, but again my kids helped me get
What took place on 9-22-16 was the surgery...the "easy" part...Recovery
was hell because the surgeon did NOT really listen, gave me pain meds
that did NO GOOD AT ALL... I ended up in the ER again trying
to cope with the hell of it- not enough pain medication, a horrible
heat wave, my AC unit dying...and on and on... Once again all things
medical hurt me, more than helped...As the ER doctor gave me another pain
medication that did NOTHING to help... I didn't write any poetry on all
stressful things...I got THROUGH IT on my own wits... I doubled my own meds,
got the surgeon to replace what I used of mine, got the AC PERMIT put
through...and so it goes... this thing of mine called life... It's almost
I now have no teeth...will TRY to get dentures in the spring of 2017...
if my FM nerves will allow the pressure they will cause... and so it
My body's aging, my skin is so very thin and pale,
I look as though I've been over many a hill and dale,
Wrinkles abound, I am shocked at the sight,
And I know all that's saggy can never be put right.
And yet residing inside this fragile old shell,
Is the heart and mind of a young girl I know well.
But the outside no longer matches what is inside,
And as life keeps getting harder, I just want to hide.
Do you know what is inside here, in this aging old hulk?
A creative woman, and a little girl who's prone to go sulk.
But I try to BE the woman I've become in spite of everything,
Because I want to shine my light; share the joy my art can bring.
A life I Once Wished
Standing out on my balcony,
Gazing out across the sea,
With thoughts of things that used to be,
An impossible love between you and me.
Shattered dreams still reside in my heart,
Leftover to be expressed in words and art,
Now I just retreat to places inside my head,
Vowing never again, will I be misled.
It was just an illusion with no reality.
But once in a while, I still can see,
A life I once wished could really be.
(or; The Reality of Me)
So many thoughts of dread,
Swirling around inside my head,
Fears instilled when I was young,
From things adults had said and done.
Living in a constant state of flight or fight.
Waiting for things just out of sight,
No matter what others try to say,
I am still so haunted to this day.
I seek things that will distract,
To drown out all those old acts,
Until the late hours of the night,
When dread wells into full blown fright.
My reality weighs heavily on my years,
Settles in dark depression of unshed tears,
In a heart so broken by those that were there,
All of whom failed utterly to truly love me and care.
Where Did Love Go?
Most of my life I've lived without any touch,
Those that offered, I have feared too much.
Damaged emotionally by parents who couldn't care,
Caused me to see others through dark glasses glare.
It's been a lonely life devoid of love and care,
A life lived in dreams of a man who'd really be there.
Love came along just once that I'd felt so special to find,
But soon was wrenched away after much too short a time.
So I've retreated back into my sorrowful ways,
Living with health problems complicating my days.
With my only release through my dreams and creative art,
I exist still waiting for some sort of real honest love to start.
I've so much genuine love stored up in my frightened heart,
Unable to share it, never having found my special counterpart.
I've learned a lot about myself through all my troubles and strife,
Perhaps I'll find that nurturing sweet love next time, in another life.
....and After the 2016 Presidential elections,
and yes, I voted for Hillary- anyone is better than
a crazy bigot of a man!
Where Did Hope Go?
I remember when I was young
and John F. Kennedy won,
Hope for the future was so strong,
We felt like nothing could go wrong.
But evil reared it's ugly head,
Those in power killed him dead,
Hope was dashed and dark times came,
It became so clear; politics was just a game,
Played by ruthless idiots drunk with power,
Hope was a thing of the past, life became sour.
Yet things seemed brighter for a short time,
When Obama won and hope once again did shine.
Yet with turmoil and change, and a crazy health plan,
People became polarized all across our great land.
Out of this, once again evil rose up, grabbing high office,
Shocking millions, stunning Hillary with unbelievable losses.
Now a truly radical man holds our office most high,
And I admit I'm truly frightened, that our world will go awry.
How could this ever happen, why isn't there voting reform,
We must elect a president by popular vote; this should be the norm!
But I'm afraid that true evil will never let that come about,
Big business rules the world, of that, I have no doubt.
The world is just too scary now, I feel like I can only hide,
Live quietly, keeping my head down, turn away, stay inside.
A Magic Moment in Time
I wish you could see,
what was visible to me,
Christmas lights reflected in streaks,
On rain soaked asphalt streets...
This doubled the brilliance,
Giving the night such richness,
A magic moment in time,
Was briefly mine.
a brief respite from heavy feelings, I took this photo with
my old Nikon CoolPix 10 mp camera:
Arriving at Old Age
Well I've arrived at Old Age,
It's like living in a cage,
With pains and aches,
I'm not sure I've got what it takes.
My depression is deep,
It is so hard to sleep.
With eyes so dry,
I cannot cry.
So I wait to die.
The holidays DO cause a lot of depression
thankfully I got past that 'slump'...