I play Solitaire
When life gets too difficult, I play Solitaire,
So I can win at something, when everything else isn't fair.
You see, I have been playing Solitaire more often lately,
As life's problems push me to the very brink of my sanity.
Of course I will get through all that life throws at me,
But it's no fun at all, with such high levels of anxiety.
It started with a shocking discovery when I found,
that a water pipe let go, spewing water all around,
I found my Living room rug soaked, the walls were wet,
And I tensed with terror, how much worse will it get?
Suddenly in the middle of flu season, I knew I had to have help,
Soon my house was filled with men, who didn't really know how I felt.
Struggling to talk with a mouth missing all of my teeth,
My days became a living nightmare, there is no peace.
(unfinished because of all the chaos that ensued.)
My grief is magnified this time and I know the reason why,
It is because life is less tolerable without my little guy,
He was there, giving comfort, during my most meaningful years,
Through divorce, finding "true" love, then it's loss with many tears.
He nourished my heart, his presence was so very dear.
And though I have many good memories that are still clear,
There is a gaping hole in my heart where he used to be,
My heart hurts missing him, my clever cuddly little Nickie.
So bright and intelligent, he could have been a movie cat,
Constantly amazing me, he was an astounding acrobat!
I will never forget when I heard an unusual noisy sound,
Turning, I saw him run up the drapes, bringing them crashing down.
No sooner had I picked them up, he dashed for the other set,
Scaling right up those with sharp claws, causing me to really fret.
Then too, his favorite thing was to tightrope walk on those rod rails,
Causing me to fear for his safety, afraid his balance would fail!
I got a tall cat tree, so he could feel adventurous and free,
Because he loved high places for all the sights he could see.
I remember him running on top of cupboards with thundering feet,
Then he'd stop, sit and stare at me, until our gazes would meet.
He always wanted to lay very close, right in my face,
Cuddling right under my chin was his special place,
He added so much to my life, I'm incredibly sad, and I cry,
I'm really angry that his health problems forced him to die.
Now the house is so quiet without his talkative meows,
While I can continue on, I am really not quite sure how,
Because he was so bright and understood me so well,
I'm afraid that my days will be tinged with a feeling of hell.
I expect to see his furry body, no matter where I turn my gaze,
Then I remember he's gone through a heart broken haze.
On his last day, he couldn't even jump up on a low chair,
So I know I did the best thing, to show my love and care.
Now I dread each day, it's hard to go downstairs,
Realizing that I can not expect him to be there.
Everything I did was connected to his comfort and care,
I'm so angry at life for doing this to us, it's just not fair!
Yes, I really miss his green eyed furry face,
No other fur baby could ever take his place!
Still we did the best we could, we had a loving 12 year run,
Now I pray he is in heaven, sleeping peacefully in the sun.
I Sound Like a Country-Song
I think I sound like a country-western song,
When I tell of all the things that have suddenly gone,
I lost all my teeth and my last sweet cat died,
I'm mightily depressed and I have often cried.
What's life got to give but heartache and crap,
Most of the time life has got me feeling like that.
So I apologize if I too often bemoan all my woes,
Still I bet you can relate to feelings like those.
No wonder country songs are so very popular,
And I sound more like a negative philosopher.
I try to look for some sunshine among my dark days,
But I'll be darned if I can find any of those shining rays.
So for a while I will just continue to whine and vent,
As I trudge through each day, exhausted and spent.
Maybe someday I'll be able to switch my music to rock,
But for now, twangy country tunes are all I have got.
I am adept at avoiding myself and taking as much care,
As I lavished on my sweet Nickie cat when he was still there.
Why do I do this, I muse to myself, in my new found isolation.
Because Mother taught me I don't deserve ANY loving affection.
I no longer go to bed to have a proper time of rest and sleep,
Feeling I'm avoiding terrible dreams that cause me to weep.
But when I look at my determined loving care of "just" a cat,
Well it kind of puts a very different perspective on that!
So, I must use what my life has now set up for me,
The tools I have gained from years of therapy!
Come on, Lyne, try loving yourself with the kind of care you give another,
Using yourself as a model instead of your Father, Mother and brother!
Aren't you amazing, to be able to discern this in your beautiful mind!
So start with little steps of loving yourself, by going to bed on time!
Write to yourself, once again- those positive loving statements to Lyne,
It's time once again to go to work you know... even if it's hard to begin!
Note to Self
You stayed with it,
In spite of all the shit,
You won that game,
Will life be the same
I just rediscovered this little ditty,
That back then made me feel shitty,
I have no idea what or why,
*Looks at date, looks to the sky*
Nope, can't remember what went on,
Guess this'll remain an enigmatic song.
Still trying to recall anything dramatic,
Wait, what do I mean: "enigmatic" ?
Aside from interesting words that rhyme,
I have no idea what I'm doing this time.
So I'll just have to get on with my day,
And forget whatever I was trying to say.
*walks off still looking cross-eyed and puzzled,
thoughts and memories just all jumbled.*
It's Always Something
It is always something...as I haul my body around,
It's hard getting hit with all my pains, not to feel down.
Despite the tears in my eyes, I persevere alone,
Working my way around or through, all on my own.
Sometimes I put down words to let my sadness escape,
Or I seek refuge in my reality that I can reshape,
So while there are many aspects of my life that I truly hate,
I do have the ability to change tiny bits of this life on my plate.
A Single Sound
Late last night an owl's hoot took me back in time,
When my life was filled with magic and love was mine,
Within this life I had created another place to live,
Where my world was full; I had so much love to give.
In this second life I was healthy and truly free,
And impossible joys were presented to me.
I lived in a beautiful home on a large piece of land,
Surrounded by beauty; so much bounty at hand.
I built Crystal caves and went kayaking on waves,
Or just sat gazing out, soaking in the sunset's rays,
From high in my tree I sat listening to the rain's patter on it's leaves,
While the sound of a gentle wind conjured the cool feel of it's breeze.
Nothing was impossible within this; my new reality,
Each day was filled with such pleasures and beauty,
My senses were heightened in ways I could not ignore,
And to my surprise, I was given a love I'd never known before.
What then ensued were two years of sheer bliss,
Wherein I was captivated by my lover's sweet kiss.
Then suddenly the spell was broken and my world: it crashed,
Every joy, every sound, every bit of beauty-completely smashed.
I left that world behind; it was too painful to ever go back,
Yet even now a single sound can still remind me of what I lack,
Like that sound of an owl's gentle hoot from across the dark night,
Causing melancholia to grip my heart, blotting out the light.
Now I go back to days of just surviving, keeping up my creativity,
but still wishing that world was real and not simply a facsimile,
It's not the man I miss, but the whole world's extraordinary bounty,
With it's incredible freedom, now unavailable to me, in my reality.
Rose Colored Glasses
We were so in love we could not see,
All of our many incompatibilities,
In truth, I can never have anyone live with me,
'Cause then I'd be unable to stay safe and healthy.
Still I wish I'd been able to perceive,
All our problems before he took his leave.
We just might have been able to retain,
A golden thread of all that could remain...
I speak of friendship being the jewel to gain,
It might have helped both of us to stay sane,
By sharing from within that higher plane...
Instead of merely leaving a dark void of pain.
Last Night in a Dream
Last night I went back to happier times in a dream,
When I was around the age of twelve or thirteen.
When plants were so many shades of bright green.
As well as the air being freshly sweet and very clean,
I heard the sounds of many birds; it was so sweet,
When my body was healthy and I felt light on my feet.
Then, I woke with a lingering feeling of happiness,
Remembering those days with slightly sad fondness.