I play Solitaire
When life gets too difficult, I play Solitaire,
So I can win at something, when everything else isn't fair.
You see, I have been playing Solitaire more often lately,
As life's problems push me to the very brink of my sanity.
Of course I will get through all that life throws at me,
But it's no fun at all, with such high levels of anxiety.
It started with a shocking discovery when I found,
that a water pipe let go, spewing water all around,
I found my Living room rug soaked, the walls were wet,
And I tensed with terror, how much worse will it get?
Suddenly in the middle of flu season, I knew I had to have help,
Soon my house was filled with men, who didn't really know how I felt.
Struggling to talk with a mouth missing all of my teeth,
My days became a living nightmare, there is no peace.
(unfinished because of all the chaos that ensued.)
My grief is magnified this time and I know the reason why,
It is because life is less tolerable without my little guy,
He was there, giving comfort, during my most meaningful years,
Through divorce, finding "true" love, then it's loss with many tears.
He nourished my heart, his presence was so very dear.
And though I have many good memories that are still clear,
There is a gaping hole in my heart where he used to be,
My heart hurts missing him, my clever cuddly little Nickie.
So bright and intelligent, he could have been a movie cat,
Constantly amazing me, he was an astounding acrobat!
I will never forget when I heard an unusual noisy sound,
Turning, I saw him run up the drapes, bringing them crashing down.
No sooner had I picked them up, he dashed for the other set,
Scaling right up those with sharp claws, causing me to really fret.
Then too, his favorite thing was to tightrope walk on those rod rails,
Causing me to fear for his safety, afraid his balance would fail!
I got a tall cat tree, so he could feel adventurous and free,
Because he loved high places for all the sights he could see.
I remember him running on top of cupboards with thundering feet,
Then he'd stop, sit and stare at me, until our gazes would meet.
He always wanted to lay very close, right in my face,
Cuddling right under my chin was his special place,
He added so much to my life, I'm incredibly sad, and I cry,
I'm really angry that his health problems forced him to die.
Now the house is so quiet without his talkative meows,
While I can continue on, I am really not quite sure how,
Because he was so bright and understood me so well,
I'm afraid that my days will be tinged with a feeling of hell.
I expect to see his furry body, no matter where I turn my gaze,
Then I remember he's gone through a heart broken haze.
On his last day, he couldn't even jump up on a low chair,
So I know I did the best thing, to show my love and care.
Now I dread each day, it's hard to go downstairs,
Realizing that I can not expect him to be there.
Everything I did was connected to his comfort and care,
I'm so angry at life for doing this to us, it's just not fair!
Yes, I really miss his green eyed furry face,
No other fur baby could ever take his place!
Still we did the best we could, we had a loving 12 year run,
Now I pray he is in heaven, sleeping peacefully in the sun.
I Sound Like a Country-Song
I think I sound like a country-western song,
When I tell of all the things that have suddenly gone,
I lost all my teeth and my last sweet cat died,
I'm mightily depressed and I have often cried.
What's life got to give but heartache and crap,
Most of the time life has got me feeling like that.
So I apologize if I too often bemoan all my woes,
Still I bet you can relate to feelings like those.
No wonder country songs are so very popular,
And I sound more like a negative philosopher.
I try to look for some sunshine among my dark days,
But I'll be darned if I can find any of those shining rays.
So for a while I will just continue to whine and vent,
As I trudge through each day, exhausted and spent.
Maybe someday I'll be able to switch my music to rock,
But for now, twangy country tunes are all I have got.
I am adept at avoiding myself and taking as much care,
As I lavished on my sweet Nickie cat when he was still there.
Why do I do this, I muse to myself, in my new found isolation.
Because Mother taught me I don't deserve ANY loving affection.
I no longer go to bed to have a proper time of rest and sleep,
Feeling I'm avoiding terrible dreams that cause me to weep.
But when I look at my determined loving care of "just" a cat,
Well it kind of puts a very different perspective on that!
So, I must use what my life has now set up for me,
The tools I have gained from years of therapy!
Come on, Lyne, try loving yourself with the kind of care you give another,
Using yourself as a model instead of your Father, Mother and brother!
Aren't you amazing, to be able to discern this in your beautiful mind!
So start with little steps of loving yourself, by going to bed on time!
Write to yourself, once again- those positive loving statements to Lyne,
It's time once again to go to work you know... even if it's hard to begin!
Note to Self
You stayed with it,
In spite of all the shit,
You won that game,
Will life be the same
I just rediscovered this little ditty,
That back then made me feel shitty,
I have no idea what or why,
*Looks at date, looks to the sky*
Nope, can't remember what went on,
Guess this'll remain an enigmatic song.
Still trying to recall anything dramatic,
Wait, what do I mean: "enigmatic" ?
Aside from interesting words that rhyme,
I have no idea what I'm doing this time.
So I'll just have to get on with my day,
And forget whatever I was trying to say.
*walks off still looking cross-eyed and puzzled,
thoughts and memories just all jumbled.*
It's Always Something
It is always something...as I haul my body around,
It's hard getting hit with all my pains, not to feel down.
Despite the tears in my eyes, I persevere alone,
Working my way around or through, all on my own.
Sometimes I put down words to let my sadness escape,
Or I seek refuge in my reality that I can reshape,
So while there are many aspects of my life that I truly hate,
I do have the ability to change tiny bits of this life on my plate.
A Single Sound
Late last night an owl's hoot took me back in time,
When my life was filled with magic and love was mine,
Within this life I had created another place to live,
Where my world was full; I had so much love to give.
In this second life I was healthy and truly free,
And impossible joys were presented to me.
I lived in a beautiful home on a large piece of land,
Surrounded by beauty; so much bounty at hand.
I built Crystal caves and went kayaking on waves,
Or just sat gazing out, soaking in the sunset's rays,
From high in my tree I sat listening to the rain's patter on it's leaves,
While the sound of a gentle wind conjured the cool feel of it's breeze.
Nothing was impossible within this; my new reality,
Each day was filled with such pleasures and beauty,
My senses were heightened in ways I could not ignore,
And to my surprise, I was given a love I'd never known before.
What then ensued were two years of sheer bliss,
Wherein I was captivated by my lover's sweet kiss.
Then suddenly the spell was broken and my world: it crashed,
Every joy, every sound, every bit of beauty-completely smashed.
I left that world behind; it was too painful to ever go back,
Yet even now a single sound can still remind me of what I lack,
Like that sound of an owl's gentle hoot from across the dark night,
Causing melancholia to grip my heart, blotting out the light.
Now I go back to days of just surviving, keeping up my creativity,
but still wishing that world was real and not simply a facsimile,
It's not the man I miss, but the whole world's extraordinary bounty,
With it's incredible freedom, now unavailable to me, in my reality.
Rose Colored Glasses
We were so in love we could not see,
All of our many incompatibilities,
In truth, I can never have anyone live with me,
'Cause then I'd be unable to stay safe and healthy.
Still I wish I'd been able to perceive,
All our problems before he took his leave.
We just might have been able to retain,
A golden thread of all that could remain...
I speak of friendship being the jewel to gain,
It might have helped both of us to stay sane,
By sharing from within that higher plane...
Instead of merely leaving a dark void of pain.
Last Night in a Dream
Last night I went back to happier times in a dream,
When I was around the age of twelve or thirteen.
When plants were so many shades of bright green.
As well as the air being freshly sweet and very clean,
I heard the sounds of many birds; it was so sweet,
When my body was healthy and I felt light on my feet.
Then, I woke with a lingering feeling of happiness,
Remembering those days with slightly sad fondness.
Damn Doctors & Laws!
Who, out of outdated ignorance cause me stress,
Why, oh why is life full of them, it's anybody's guess.
Fears hover and grow around the edges of my brain,
As I prepare to go in for my upcoming "med check" again.
My pain management meds require a 6 month check,
Forcing me to comply with stiff laws is a pain in my neck.
My childhood anxieties well up every day, all the time,
Forcing me to re-live the childhood horrors of mine.
Nightmares enslave me continuously in their grip,
And I'm filled with uncertainties surrounding the trip,
From the unpleasantness of my ex's companionship,
To my fast deteriorating doctor-patient relationship.
So I hang on tightly by the tips of my fingernails,
Looking for comfort from within when all else fails.
Please, Higher Self, protect and hold on to me tight,
As I cling to your reality with every fiber of my might.
I WILL get past this misery and I WILL face it down,
Looking forward to the time when relief will abound.
When I can come home with a new supply of meds,
With another six months 'til I'm again filled with dreads
California Chrome's Heart
I love that horse, he took over my heart,
So I had to reproduce him in some of my art.
His heart seems as big as all outdoors,
As he strives for his high racing scores.
He has such bravery for all he's gone through,
He inspires with all in life that's good and true.
Now retired to the care of Taylor Made Farms,
He can enjoy a good life and many ladies charms.
Living in beautiful surroundings at the farm in Kentucky,
A reward for your astounding career, so very lucky!
My love goes with you as you live out your days,
You brave, strong, sweet horse with your kind eye gaze.
I am all that I love, and all that I hate,
I contemplate life, I wonder about fate,
I've expressed all that I am over the years,
Here on my site, I've shared my tears and my fears.
I openly share all that I am, with my words and my art,
Hoping you will find something of worth in my heart.
I loved the time I built models, and put skins on them too,
Happy to offer them freely now, with love, for all of you.
I find I'm very thoughtful as I reach the twilight of my life,
I will be sad to leave, but I won't miss all the physical strife,
Praying next time I will be very healthy and strong,
Granted unconditional love and feel like I truly belong.
My existence hasn't been easy, but I've learned a lot,
Now at nearly seventy, I'm pretty thankful for all that I've got.
Especially my son; he's amazing, as is his whole family,
I'm grateful to have been one part of this precious legacy.
My belief is strong, as I continue on my journey... I just know,
That without all the physical pain I'll be able to continue to grow,
I want to strive to be really loving, wise, become truly whole.
As I break my dysfunctional cycle - this is my soul's goal.
So when I go, dear friends and family, please don't grieve unduly,
Because I'm hopeful about what comes next, when I'm finally free,
I want to explore the stars and the colors of our whole galaxy,
While cradled in the comfort and love within the very soul that is me.
To My Son's Father
As a work-a-holic, you abandoned me,
When I didn't know how to be a Mommy,
It would have been better if you'd been there,
But your parents left you too, it was so unfair.
The cycle went on as our son grew tall,
Declaring he'd do it better, he'd do it all.
He did indeed choose the perfect wife,
And broke the cycle that was our life.
I'm sad and sorry for my lack of care,
I regret that I didn't know how to be there,
At least you had supported him in his teens,
Showing him what a loving parent means.
I'm so very proud of the man our son became,
In spite of his long hours, he's able to maintain,
Devoted love and care for his own family,
Always calm, displaying a great maturity.
So - my husband, you can NOW know and see,
Our son broke the cycle, he made himself free!
He is indeed the best that came from you and me,
And we can rest assured we've left a great legacy!
My world finally seems to have righted itself,
I had felt I was falling from a very high shelf.
I lost my last kitty, and the use of my thumb,
It had felt like everything was coming undone!
So while every day is a lot of work,
From my challenges I never shirk,
I just manage both chores and play,
Doing my best to just focus on today.
It's too scary when my care is so unique,
If I loose control, I could easily freak!
Facing the future at my advancing age,
Makes me feel I need to disengage.
Life is hard no matter one's age,
But failing health causes me to rage.
The young should stop and appreciate,
All they can still do before it's too late!
I often wish "I knew now" way back when,
And wish I could go back and do it again,
But now I only have: "it is what it is",
Because I can't go back, my life to re-live.
So I just get on with the business of life,
Trying to find each day's smallest slice,
Of a bit of relaxing, a fragment of good,
Praying that those around me, understood.
Suddenly, I looked around everywhere...
Realizing there's no longer any cat hair!
What a funny thing to actually miss,
but I guess it's really come down to this,
Just another thing that makes aging shitty,
'Cause I physically can't take care of a kitty!