Creations Poetry 26
Copyright Lyne's Creations February/March 2014, All Rights Reserved
You may NOT take copies of these poems for any reason.
Note: I often come back, re-read and even
edit my poems. They, like me,
are a work in progress. I may change a word here and there or I may add
a whole stanza! Some have art, and some will get illustrated later on.
I am hard at work with counseling; working on my "core issues" now
that my dealing with my devastating heartbreak is pretty much behind me.
It's hard work to face my life long wounds, but I must. I am so tired of
those events affecting my daily life! While I can't erase them, I can face
them, acknowledge them, grieve them, while practicing to live in the present!
The dreams and feelings I express in my poetry really happen. It helps me get
to my inner most feelings, so long shuttered away....
(prequel to "Damaged Child")
Apparently I was very cuddly,
Until a trauma at only age three,
When all love in my world was ripped from me,
Left frightened, suddenly no longer free.
I was left in the care of a strict grand-mère,
A frightening French woman who only stared,
I cowered in a corner completely scared,
I felt so alone, pitifully unprepared.
Mommy gone, Father emotionally flat,
My little child's mind couldn't understand that,
Left with people incapable of love and care,
All I knew is that Mommy was no longer there.
At so early an age, it was only the start,
Of many events that kept on breaking my heart.
There is a syndrome, it's called "Attachment Traumas"
They kept happening to me, these nightmare dramas.
I was sent to a private school, all day, at age four,
As though my existence now, was only a chore,
My life often threatened, which my parents chose to ignore,
I began feigning illness to save the life I'd begun to abhor.
(My Father worked as custodian at that private school,
Where teachers were old fashioned, evil and cruel.
It was convenient for my Mother, to have me go along,
So she could care for my baby brother while I was gone.)
I would tell the teachers that I was feeling ill,
To escape to the nurse's cot, I remember still.
My Dad would come along, peer in with nothing to say,
Then walk away, only taking me home at the end of his day.
It seems I'd tried to commit suicide when I was just five,
Then blocked that memory totally in order to survive,
But forced to re-live it when Mother angrily pronounced,
She said vehemently "well if your daughter announced"...
I sat in total shock at that family dinner table,
Of coherent speech I was completely unable,
My husband and Mother unaware I was unstable,
Of care for me, they seemed absolutely incapable.
It seems at that tender age I longed to end my life,
I had gone to the kitchen drawer, pulled out a knife,
I remembered it suddenly, like it happened yesterday,
Childhood traumas affected me more than I can say.
I was so often ill with every childhood disease,
I withdrew into myself, desperate my fears to ease,
I clung to our pets, even raised up a lamb for 4H,
Then Mother called a butcher, put lamb on my plate!
Then as a fragile frightened little girl of only seven,
I was told I was sick, would die, soon go to heaven,
Taken out of school for a year in that terrible state,
I waited for cold or flu to come along and seal my fate.
That tiny child inside me has never recovered,
From evil mistakenly thought to be discovered,
When her "grandma doctor" said she would die,
Then reversed her decision without saying why.
I've always known I had to take care of myself,
But without love, I was just a doll on a shelf.
So it seems I have been trying to recreate,
Both a way to be loved and a chance to escape.
So I have trouble negotiating my current ill health,
As I try to keep overwhelming emotions on that shelf,
Yet tortured by fears and only loved when I was ill,
That twisted start in life continues to plague me still.
My Dreams Tell
Intellectually I know what happened to me,
I've been unable to deal with that old injury,
So all of my early traumas and anxieties,
Keep on reoccurring in my life repeatedly,
All the years of my life, within tortured dreams,
I was fighting for my life, or so it seems,
All of those kittens I was trying to save,
Were "me" trying to keep myself from the grave,
Expressing childhood's emotional reality,
I now dreamt Mother was planning on murdering me,
She packed my case and I had to keep on pretending,
That I did not recognize what she was intending.
At seven I suffered silently, unable to cry
Because my doctor Grandma said I was sick and would die,
And a school health film showed how every life was at stake,
So my hopeless terror grew to more than I could take.
The horror that a mistaken blood test did create,
With no one ever explaining to me their mistake,
Left me lost and caused me to completely separate,
Unable to trust, alone in control of my fate.
There simply was no one else there I could tell,
Express my feelings about my tortured hell,
So repressed and suppressed, I withdrew inside,
Trying in despair to find a place to hide.
As a timid fearful child, just turning eight,
I was trying to escape, find heaven's gate.
My Mother and Doctor failed me completely,
Leaving me utterly scarred so very deeply.
I know I have to process and try to heal,
The burning scars of this wound that I still feel,
I need to provide myself with what I never got;
The loving parenting I so desperately sought.
Existing a lifetime of years without love,
My heart fluttered like the wings of a trapped dove,
When out of the blue love was offered to me,
And then torn away as an impossibility.
Then my heart devastatingly broke
My life time of grief suddenly spoke,
Tears for the abandoned child in me,
Welled up, spilled unexpectedly free.
How do I learn how to be my own parent,
With no love from mother, aunt or grandparent,
None of which were ever there to demonstrate to me,
What a parent's love, kindness and compassion should be!
I guess that I must gently take myself by the hand,
Be supportive with self love, helping myself stand,
Firmly upon my own two feet, trusting in myself,
Knowing that in my Higher Self there exists great wealth.
Higher Self, please help me to remember to heed you,
Reminding me of the times your guidance has been true,
In all those difficult times, you have helped me through,
Giving tremendous meaning to this life; I grew!
A Dream of Freedom
(I really did have this exact dream!!
One night before the "no hold's barred"
dream of my mother's intent to "murder me"
when I was such a little girl. Of course she wasn't
really going to kill me, but those were my feelings!)
I dreamt of this beautiful creature,
Left in an old box, growing weaker,
So I gathered up this fragile being,
Noticing my deeply loving feeling,
Then I took him down to an emerald sea,
Where gently releasing him, I set him free.
(true story!! and art here)
I had a dream about a young girl in my care,
In spite of her health she rode a chestnut mare,
I loved her very much and felt so much pride,
For this clever young girl who could train and ride.
She rode bare back, just controlling with deft hands,
Her horse was sensitive to all her commands,
Performing perfectly together; as though one,
Their beauty shining as brilliantly as the sun!
PostScript: Often when I am overwhelmed with
life, depressed, or down, I dream really beautiful
and/or very "telling" dreams... I think that's myself
giving me something good in hard times...
When Life Knocks You Sideways
Sometimes life really knocks you sideways,
Everyone has those terrible days.
When it feels so bad, the sadness stays,
Feeling like a perpetual haze.
So that's when we have to stop and look,
For our own special way to unhook,
From our particular frame of mind,
Where we feel so sad and so confined.
What is your thing that makes you happy,
Moving you through feeling so crappy,
This is exactly what you should do,
To pull you out of feeling so blue.
For me, I take time to create art,
While still acknowledging the hurt part,
Things from my past that were very dark.
That are causing pain within my heart,
So in spite of feeling like it was a fight,
I'm slowly working my way back to my light,
Where my days can then look a little bit bright,
By bringing more positive things into sight!
I have never quit, I always fight back,
No matter how high my life's pile of crap,
I claw my way back up out of such lows,
So I have more say in how my life goes!
Enjoying The Little Things ~ My Bread Machine
I enjoy peering through the window of my bread machine,
Watching the dough "breathing" and growing like a living thing,
Thinking "It's alive, it's alive!" -do you know what I mean?
I stand over the machine watching the timer count down,
Needing to remove the paddles, I'm so focused I frown,
Then when it beeps at me, I jump and make a startled sound!
Next I have to shake the dough out onto a floured plate,
I shape the dough into a ball for the perfect loaf's sake,
Then I cradle the warm dough, carefully put it back in,
To let it rise once more, till the machine starts it's oven.
This silly odd relationship I have with my machine,
Is one that I just wouldn't have ever in life foreseen,
Yet ends up creating in me a feeling quite serene!
Past Hurts, Present Help
It's too late to grieve for what I never got,
That only takes me back and stirs the pot.
All of the sadness of my yesteryears,
Just adds more on top of my current fears.
Despite all of the things that my life now lacks,
I need to find ways to work around these facts,
Accepting that all I have is here and now,
I strive to make this reality enough somehow.
Yet the real difficulty I have discovered,
When FEELING emotionally so uncovered,
While needing to FEEL that my Higher Self is there.
I'm still just intellectualizing in prayers,
But I keep on, "going on faith" as they say,
Knowing that help is really there anyway.
I'll face what my soul dredges up for me to see,
Finding a way to make my nightmares work for me!
So Higher Self help me stay in the present,
Let all the successes I have represent,
My focus on a better life, a safer ground,
As I proceed ahead with White Light all around.
Of Anger, Of Pain
I'm grieving for all the things that never were,
Plus all the harmful horrors that did occur,
As a child I was very lost and alone,
I never did feel safe within my own home.
Sometimes I wish that I just could not think,
Because of this sadness that runs so deep.
But still feelings come up within my dreams.
I grieve for what life never seems to bring.
My heart is still broken, can't anybody tell?
I suppose it's my secret, one I keep well,
Deep down inside, there is still anger and pain,
When will it go, when will I become whole again?
I keep it locked inside, buttoned up real tight,
Because if I dare shine upon it; a light,
They just say, get over it, it's about time,
But what right do they have to judge what is mine!
Nobody's Fool Anymore
There are a few good men,
They're the exception to the rule,
But I will never again,
Be anyone else's fool.
Men used me in various ways to feel good,
And I allowed it, before I understood,
But now anger resides with pain underneath,
Because moments of joy were all much too brief.
And I used to be kind, compassionate, free,
Until too many took advantage of me.
I can not seem to find my way back,
Because of the trust that I now lack.
I'm so unhappy, withdrawn and blue,
It seems as if the "last straw" was you.
I keep trying, I honestly do,
But I can't seem to find my way through.
Back to the exuberant girl I discovered,
The long unused part of me that I uncovered,
Until awful heartbreak again crushed my spirit,
Causing me to retreat inward, keeping quiet.
I now know I'm the only one on whom I can rely,
It's a lonely way to live until the day that I die.
When I Get To Heaven...
I'm so tired of FM and feeling all-over sore,
When I get to heaven I won't hurt any more,
Can you blame me for knocking on that door,
When my life this time has been such a chore?
I yearn to fly with total freedom to soar,
And stop waging these battles in my endless war,
I want to flee into the stars and explore,
With hope that in my next life I'll be adored.
Will It Be OK?
When things got hard, no one would ever say,
Reassuring words like: "it'll be okay,
I grew up very frightened, unable to cope,
I became a withdrawn little girl with no hope.
Now every crisis and challenge of each day,
Scares me, and I just wish I could crawl away,
But being a "grown up" with no support at all,
I must find a way to face my fears and stand tall.
I try to take problems one thing at a time,
Or even one hour, slowing down in my mind,
Acknowledging my very understandable tears,
As I try to figure out how to assuage my fears.
While I do eventually get something done,
I can't seem to retain the feeling I have won.
I think it's because life just keeps getting harder,
As I now face aging without a loving partner.
Once I accept that I am depressed,
and that perhaps I just need some rest,
Then a part of me starts to fight back,
And strengthen things in me that I lack.
I remind myself that I AM in control,
I say what repairmen come and who must go,
Then I start to feel a bit more like living,
So in this lifetime I may end up winning!
What Is Life For?
Life can get in the way of deep profound thought,
I must slow down, appreciate what I've got;
The talent for looking deep into my soul,
To see where I have been and which way to go.
There is so much more to life than mundane tasks,
There are answers for all the questions I ask,
When I look deep within I know why I'm here,
One of those reasons is to live without fear.
And as I perceive the specific focus of my soul,
I can also understand how I work as a whole,
I practice strengthening my weaknesses, regain control,
Then calm washes over me as I work toward my goal.
My Country Lost
My beautiful country so full of promise and hope,
When the common people could effect change with their vote,
Our voice was heard through petitions and writing letters,
We grew up feeling we had control to make things better.
With Kennedy's assassination everything went wrong,
I feel our country lost so much of freedom's true song
I believe the world then became a much darker place,
And life was forever changed for the whole human race
"Big Brother" is here with illegal persecutions,
Removing our freedoms with corrupt institutions,
Science fiction stories reflect our new reality,
Where controlling entities show blatant brutality.
It's so frightening that my vote no longer matters,
And I see evil forces taking my country backwards!
I see my country crumbling into terrible strife,
I just want to keep my head down and finish this life!
Go to the Top of Poetry Page I for
an index of all the Poetry pages! OR!-Just change the
in the url address to the next higher one, and hit enter to go to that page faster!
I have so many pages, it's getting crazy for my dyslexic mind to keep adding
individual links to each page thereafter.