Dealing with Grief & other Self Realizations
As I work back, to clear out my "baggage", I have to face, feel, and process HOW I became
the person I am today. THEN maybe I can let go of the mass of feelings I carry around now!
I no longer want to perceive my world through the filter of OLD outdated feelings. All those old
feelings do, is magnify the feelings I encounter today, confusing and overwhelming me! I over-
react all out of proportion and end up hurting myself and those around me.
So where did this pain and fear start?
It started when I was three years old, when my world fell apart. My Mom, who just had my baby brother, was very ill with a terrible flu
that ravaged people in the area at that time. She was struggling with recovery from the old fashioned aggressive cesarean birth of my baby
brother, her illness, and me. I can still see her literally crawling across the floor to care for my baby brother, while I sat there staring
in utter terror at my "fallen mother". I had all the feelings a first born would have, about a baby arriving, plus what looked like to my 3
year old eyes; my Mother dieing and being unable to care for me, let alone show any love and comfort toward me. It did feel like my
world was ending, my very life was in danger. And in fact it was only the beginning of "life threatening" experiences that were to come.
(no I was never physically abused in my life, only emotionally... but "only" is not the right word... emotional abuse is so very damaging too.)
As I shared this image with my therapist, she said "I love that there are vines (roots) she can crawl up to get out"... and I went "huh?"
I had not thought of the roots in that way, only as an additional danger...But the Pollyanna in me very much likes that way of looking
at them! The dandelion weeds, with their crawling creepers coming toward me are another part of trying to do therapy on the "weeds"
planted in myself, through out my childhood.... This is a journey I am taking right now and am bravely sharing with you, in the hope that
my story will further connect me with you, my friends... and hope that in some small way, my experience might give some light to others.
My art is so "interactive" in helping me THINK and CONNECT with my feelings......
I had a good session today about ANGER and how difficult it is to deal with, in ANY way, in my life.
Stay tuned.... if you like.
PART 2, PROGRESS
BACK TO MAIN GRIEF PAGE