Dealing with Grief & other Self Realizations
For the first time in my life, I am faced
with real grief....this is my journey in art and words...
Juggling The Stages of Grief
subtitle: I am Stronger than I Think I Am!
I felt as though I was in a swirling fog of all the stages of Grief, but never having dealt with grief in my entire life,
I have been at a loss....how can I cope with feeling several things at one time? .... with the utter despair and longing
for something to 'fix it'? How will I come out of this, WILL I come out of this? I had no answers. I pulled myself
through each day, one by one....I preferred NUMB to the PAIN pinching my heart constantly, minute by minute,
hour by hour. I don't know much about getting angry. I was never allowed expressions of these emotions
by parents, most of the primary figures in my life....
Now, so late in life, the love of my life did not die.....our love did not fade away....we did not have endless fights....we just
came up against a seemingly impossible "road block" to our life together. Between two particular faults in our personalities,
we found ourselves at an impasse that we just could not seem to work around over the past several months.... the LOSS
of the life we had both envisioned for two solid years of bliss overcame us both in different ways. Nothing seem to allow
the relaxed, laughing, loving bliss before the "big crash of a certain reality"....
I felt like a song no longer sung.....
I called my love, when I hit rock bottom... I took the risk of reaching through the morass of emotions we were both
wading through... and we talked.. we talked it all out.... We have HOPE, and a new plan to allow for the continued
crucial healing we both need, time apart but also time together each week.... I LAUGHED today! Yay! So I can actually be
thankful for my annoying health problems (reaction to this deep stress), that made me ill enough to cry out... because
that brought us "back to the table"... Life and love are so fragile, even more so in a relationship, where two people
MUST give their utmost to keep the joy and love alive and flourishing... I am glad I was brave .....
I AM brave enough to keep trying! (and by the way, I found a therapist to talk to by phone over the past two months,
and will continue to do so, because I know that is the wise thing to do!)
This is so intensely personal, I almost did not post it... but if anything I do with my art and my words might help
ONE person in the world, it is worth exposing every aspect of my life.... The feedback I have gotten from my public
gallery is so encouraging, so connecting with others I will continue... I have an image in my head of "her" reaching
down, and pulling HOPE up, as ACCEPTANCE also is working it's way into more prominence, while the other
stages are getting smaller but still there....more manageable. STAY TUNED.
NOTE: I am not sure I ever put it down in print...that he AGAIN gave us up...he kept shutting down, going silent
more often, for longer times....until one day he said to me "I just can't"...and left me, left us, gave up TOTALLY,
again... and then I REALLY BROKE...and have been on my journey of recovery and growth ever since...while
in so many ways he remains the same (he is on the periphery of my life, I hear and see things, unfortunately).
Grief Next Stages
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